Rollercoaster Called Life

I've been having weird moments lately where my mind tells me to do something, like this one incident, and I do it. Today it was running on the strand. For some reason, my mind spoke to me, telling me to just go to the beach and run. I told my mom this and of course, like any mother would, yelled at me, saying that my life is not stressful at all, which lit a crazy fuze in my head. I stormed out of the house and tried to ignore it. After the running, push ups, and work outs, I felt really good. I wasn't thinking, which is probably why I'm so depressed all the time. But once I got into the car, once the heart got back into its normal beat, I started getting depressed again. I didn't know what to do, but I'm slowly realizing, of course with the help of others, that ultimately I can't depend on people as a way to vent my emotions for this just ends up me being lame and hating them more. What I decided to do was go to the park and just sit, think about stuff and question God abot a lot of things I'm feeling.

In the end this is what I came up with. As a person, I am a pretty emotional guy. The things I feel, the emotions I express, and the way I carry myself seems to be pretty extreme, or in other words, I'm bipolar. When I am happy, I am insanely estatic, yet when I'm sad, I feel like punching someone and knocking them to the floor. Today, I was exercising. This sudden release of endorphins helped me feel elated, but once I got into that car, my body fell into withdrawal. In the bigger picture it's like this.... Physics states that for every action there's an equal yet opposite reaction. This depression I'm going through just happened to be that gravitational force pulling me down, yet there's the normal force just waiting to push me back up. This is just a moment, a fraction, and a piece of my life. All of this will pass, and I will move on. Although I may feel hopeless, worthless, and absoutely meaningless, God will provide. "Narrow and windy is the road to Heaven." The ups, downs, flips, and turns are imminent. I'm riding through this rollercoaster called life.

Why can't I stop thinking?

Every night I go through the same thing: the same depressing thoughts and the same realization of the lack of good, intimate relationships. Today I tried something different and read some old Gmail conversations I had with Gail, and one especially stood out to me. I stated earlier in the conversation that I hated my friends, that when something happens to someone or something special occurs, I try to be there for them. In this case it was when Irene was doubting the relationship with her boyfriend... and in the end, I succeeded in showing her a good time. Looking at it now, that relationship was purely one way. As funny as it sounds, she didn't feel the same about me. I expected her to be different, to be that same friend, the one who I could depend on in times when I needed help. Now, I feel as though noone understands what I go through... yeah, I know, everyone goes through this stage of loneliness, but I still don't feel like I actually deserved this. I acknowledge that it's all a feeling... that I "feel" like no one is there for me or that no one is there for me, but then I think to myself, is this my fault? Is it cause I am the one who doesn't open myself to others? To be honest, I never told anyone much of my past and the things that have made me who I am. Not many people know my living conditions and what my Dad had to go through to bring us to California. Maybe, if I let people understand who I am, they would become that better friend... But then there's still that risk, the risk of rejection. And I am sick of this constant streak of rejection. The shallow relationships I have built up don't have that risk factor, yet it causes me sadness when I realize how shallow these relationships are. In the long run, these become meaningless.

I'm constantly reminded to not depend on people. That they only dissapoint you in the end. But it's so hard to depend on a God who doesn't seem to answer, who doesn't seem to love, and who doesn't seem to care. I want this to be over, yet nothing changes.

Odd thing is I am the only one who can't see.

Testing

Hi, I'm Joey