Martha and Mary

Reflection on Luke 10: 38-42

God is kind of funny.

So, lately, life has been quite the downs. I'm constantly worrying about so many things, and at the end of the day, just want to do nothing. So, one final down and a full day of studying Islam, which is a very interesting yet super complex religion (I can't even read the Qur'an without getting it confused with another part of it...), I start wanting to vegetate. I look up some youtube, yet even that tires me out and makes me feel anxious.

I close my laptop with some frustration (hope its ok) and belly flop towards my bed, and start praying. God, WATTA FREAK IS GOING ON MAN. Give me some answers. I know I wrote a blog just yesterday, understanding that all of this is for the sake of me understanding and growing in my discipleship with Jesus, but still, its freaking hard going through things and still not bringing up the frustrations, especially when things are super hard.

I've been reading Luke, just for funs, and also cuz the Driscolls started doing a series on it. This time, I opened Luke, continuing where I left off yet wanting Jesus to answer my current state of mind. And suprisingly, he did.

so Luke 10: 38-42 is pretty easy to understand. Martha invites Jesus to house, does a mess of serving, yet is frustrated by all the work. Her frustration leads her to project some of it onto her seemingly lazy sister, not to say that her frustrations were not legitimate, but Jesus here turns it around. Isn't it odd that serving Jesus laboriously, causing anxiety and troubles, isn't the necessary choice?

The Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing (some manuscripts say few things) is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her. =)

Don't get me wrong, nor take any of this out of context. I don't mean to say that we should just not serve our God and just sit at his feet all the time. No. Just pointing out the difference between Martha's and Mary's hearts. Serving anxiously vs. sitting and listening.

So yeah, I am troubled by my current circumstance. I do have a lot of worries and anxieties as I try to serve the different areas God seems to be pushing me towards. But right now, I just need to be a good steward with my studies and tackle this class. The good portion for me right now is understanding that I don't have to know right now everything going on in my life. Yeah, I do understand that I have to own some integrity and figure the shizzle in my life out with God, but that's why I have the current month to continually ask God watta freak he's teaching me. But right now, I'm going to sit at my Lord's feet and listen. I'm going to trust putting those parts aside for now and serving academics diligently is what is necessary right this minute. After these finals are over, I will fully devote my entire mind and heart, which I can't do right now because of finals, to what is happening in life. May we choose into the good portion (notice the word portion), and may it not be taken away from us.

It's Almost Been A Year

I haven't been on this thing for awhile... Time to update!

Someone wise somewhere some place once said that history repeats itself, and for sure, it does...

around 7 months ago, I met this girl. She had been in a relationship for 3+ years and recently ended it all after many a complications. We started talking a lot about life, religion, and Jesus. Oddly, it was pretty good for the first half of summer. It was freaking awesome understanding the crazy ways Jesus had been working in our lives and what we aspired to become to pursue futures involving his ministry. Eventually though, we started showing signs more than just mere friendship. A month of kinda dating (I say kinda because it was really dumb at the time) happened. However, I didn't know at the time (I lack a lot of knowledge about relationships) that I was just a rebound. I couldn't deal with the sin done against me anymore and ended it entirely.

7 months later, a similar situation occurs. I didn't know how to deal with it at first, but I'm learning that the failures of 7 months ago really shaped the decisions that I'm making right now. I lost a potential friend 7 months ago, and I don't want to let that happen again.

But dealing with the various emotions, confusion, and loneliness have been some of the hardest experiences ever. But with all this suffering, I have learned to go back to the creator. I have felt his redemption and presence through the suffering in my heart as he delivers and comforts me. I am his beloved, and he makes all things work together for my good. I know that in this suffering his presence is here. That this suffering has given me more insight of the human heart and is bringing me closer to the sanctification of his Spirit.

So, because of this new perspective in such a similar situation, I ask for forgiveness. I'm sorry I was not wiser 7 months ago and allowed my flesh to get the better of me. I ask that you could give me mercy and grace only given from love and compassion.

And to right now, through all the miscommunication and pain, I hope we can be good friends again and look back at all this in 4 years and laugh at how comical everything was.

God, I have faith knowing that you can restore all these relationships. That in the end of the trials and suffering, your name will be praised. That you, my God, will receive all glory and honor. Reminding us it was you who delivered us out of slavery in Egypt, sanctified us in the wilderness for 40 years, and defeated the enemy, redeeming us back to the Holy Land. May we rejoice in you.

me and girls

Lately, I feel like God’s been opening a lot of opportunities with girls (not in that way), but a lot of me is scared to approach this. For sure, God knows that I need to reconcile with girls, mainly because the ones in my past have negatively affected my perception of women and their role in my life. However, friendship with a girl is a tricky one. In the past, I have been easy to fall into the trap of expecting more out of friendships, easy to think that they owe me something, and easy to establish my identity into a relationship… all pretty bad things to fall into. With this a lot of the times I lose and hurt myself (and maybe even others). Directing myself back to the first sentence, yeah, I feel like God is inviting me into cross gendered relationships, yet it frustrates me that he fully knows of my weaknesses in this matter and lets it happen anyway. It completely frustrates me that I believe that I need to work on other things in my heart that I deem as a higher priority, yet with all my weakness put into account, He still says to go forth. Do these words stress my fears enough? Does this genuinely represent the fear I have with this subject? By all means, I hope anyone who reads this can see how completely terrified I am about this.

God please do not let my fears limit my faith, please do not let my fears limit the relationships, and please do not let my fears limit You, Your love, Your righteousness, Your grace, nor Your glory. Please watch over me Father, and please when I stumble, as you walk next to me, pick me up with your loving arms. May I grow the wisdom in which only you can give. Please may I see a glimpse of your promises.

Judges

Recently, I've been getting criticism that I am a judge, and no matter how much I try to justify in saying that I just hold opinions of people, it's so evident that I do judge.

Without a doubt, some judgements are not too harsh... like judging professors or food and stuff like that, but I have come to the point where I judge totally based off people's impressions and with that give off negative emotions. I'll even come to judge random people on the road sometimes, and this recent realization startles the crap out of me.

But how does a guy from a life full of pain and loneliness guard his heart from a world that has failed countless times?

I don't want to justify judging anyone anymore. I want to let go of this defensive mechanism that has become a parasite--benefiting itself at the expense of my sanity and peace.

But where do I go from here? How can I even make this applicable in my life?

God, may you meet me where I am.

First Peter 4: 8

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

This post is a follow up on my last one. Its interesting how the Bible works.

Time

For the past few days, I've been counting the few minutes I have remaining here in Redondo. I move in 2 more weeks, but with the stuff I have going on, it's even shorter than that. This week is graduation week so I won't be able to plan that much with friends. Monday is my Chem final and the awards ceremony which ruins any plans I can make for that day. Tuesday I have nothing but everyone else is graduating. Wednesday is school and graduation practice. Thursday is actual graduation and grad night. Friday is recovery then church. Saturday and Sunday is both church. In other words, I only have a week of free time to actually spend with people.

I feel like I have nothing to stress over but I'm constantly put down by the few minutes I have remaining here. I want to be able to spend those precious few minutes with people that matter to me, but it doesn't feel like anyone else feels the same. Although I've done this 17 times already, moving continues to break me. It reminds me of the nothingness inside of me, the very few relationships, if any, I have, and the imminent pain once I get to Georgia. People say they'll keep in touch but I've done this enough times to realize they won't. I've just become a number to them, and as I move, they erase the mark that I left tallied into their notepad of friends.

So the few words of advice I can give to everyone before I leave is this, learn to love because the lack of love in my life is the reason why I believe I'm so depressed all the time. Love is a powerful thing (sounds like a hippy slogan). Love forms bonds between people, molds relationships stronger, provides people faith, break barriers, builds intimacy, and a bunch of other things I can't think of at the moment. Remember that no matter how much you say you love the person, it's not the same as showing that person you do love them, and that your actions speak louder than your full of crap and bs words.

Rollercoaster Called Life

I've been having weird moments lately where my mind tells me to do something, like this one incident, and I do it. Today it was running on the strand. For some reason, my mind spoke to me, telling me to just go to the beach and run. I told my mom this and of course, like any mother would, yelled at me, saying that my life is not stressful at all, which lit a crazy fuze in my head. I stormed out of the house and tried to ignore it. After the running, push ups, and work outs, I felt really good. I wasn't thinking, which is probably why I'm so depressed all the time. But once I got into the car, once the heart got back into its normal beat, I started getting depressed again. I didn't know what to do, but I'm slowly realizing, of course with the help of others, that ultimately I can't depend on people as a way to vent my emotions for this just ends up me being lame and hating them more. What I decided to do was go to the park and just sit, think about stuff and question God abot a lot of things I'm feeling.

In the end this is what I came up with. As a person, I am a pretty emotional guy. The things I feel, the emotions I express, and the way I carry myself seems to be pretty extreme, or in other words, I'm bipolar. When I am happy, I am insanely estatic, yet when I'm sad, I feel like punching someone and knocking them to the floor. Today, I was exercising. This sudden release of endorphins helped me feel elated, but once I got into that car, my body fell into withdrawal. In the bigger picture it's like this.... Physics states that for every action there's an equal yet opposite reaction. This depression I'm going through just happened to be that gravitational force pulling me down, yet there's the normal force just waiting to push me back up. This is just a moment, a fraction, and a piece of my life. All of this will pass, and I will move on. Although I may feel hopeless, worthless, and absoutely meaningless, God will provide. "Narrow and windy is the road to Heaven." The ups, downs, flips, and turns are imminent. I'm riding through this rollercoaster called life.