Why can't I stop thinking?

Every night I go through the same thing: the same depressing thoughts and the same realization of the lack of good, intimate relationships. Today I tried something different and read some old Gmail conversations I had with Gail, and one especially stood out to me. I stated earlier in the conversation that I hated my friends, that when something happens to someone or something special occurs, I try to be there for them. In this case it was when Irene was doubting the relationship with her boyfriend... and in the end, I succeeded in showing her a good time. Looking at it now, that relationship was purely one way. As funny as it sounds, she didn't feel the same about me. I expected her to be different, to be that same friend, the one who I could depend on in times when I needed help. Now, I feel as though noone understands what I go through... yeah, I know, everyone goes through this stage of loneliness, but I still don't feel like I actually deserved this. I acknowledge that it's all a feeling... that I "feel" like no one is there for me or that no one is there for me, but then I think to myself, is this my fault? Is it cause I am the one who doesn't open myself to others? To be honest, I never told anyone much of my past and the things that have made me who I am. Not many people know my living conditions and what my Dad had to go through to bring us to California. Maybe, if I let people understand who I am, they would become that better friend... But then there's still that risk, the risk of rejection. And I am sick of this constant streak of rejection. The shallow relationships I have built up don't have that risk factor, yet it causes me sadness when I realize how shallow these relationships are. In the long run, these become meaningless.

I'm constantly reminded to not depend on people. That they only dissapoint you in the end. But it's so hard to depend on a God who doesn't seem to answer, who doesn't seem to love, and who doesn't seem to care. I want this to be over, yet nothing changes.

Odd thing is I am the only one who can't see.